


Fic: Playing Pretend (Neville/Pansy)

by luvscharlie



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Community: hprare_cliche, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-04
Updated: 2014-04-04
Packaged: 2018-01-18 03:50:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1414027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luvscharlie/pseuds/luvscharlie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pansy Parkinson has been Draco Malfoy's "girlfriend" for a long time.  Lately, however, Draco is showing her no attention. She decides it is time to get his attention.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fic: Playing Pretend (Neville/Pansy)

Reveals are up and now I can claim my little ficcy. It took me forever to wrangle the Neville into the fic (which happens often when Millicent is there), but I really loved the way it turned out when I was finished. I enjoyed this fest a lot. There were some gems there (I had particular affection for the fics by [](http://katmarajade.livejournal.com/profile)[**katmarajade**](http://katmarajade.livejournal.com/) and [](http://scarletladyy.livejournal.com/profile)[**scarletladyy**](http://scarletladyy.livejournal.com/))

 

 **Title** : Playing Pretend  
 **Creator** : [](http://luvscharlie.livejournal.com/profile)[**luvscharlie**](http://luvscharlie.livejournal.com/)  
 **Pairings** : Neville Longbottom/Pansy Parkinson, Draco Malfoy/Pansy Parkinson  
 **Rating** : R  
 **Warnings (Highlight to view)** :*adult language, school age sexual escapades, though nothing very graphic*  
 **Word Count** : 1763  
 **Summary** : Pansy Parkinson has been Draco Malfoy's "girlfriend" for a long time. Lately, however, Draco is showing her no attention. She decides it is time to get his attention.  
 **Author Notes** : Originally written for the 2014 [](http://hprare-cliche.livejournal.com/profile)[**hprare_cliche**](http://hprare-cliche.livejournal.com/) fest where my cliche was "pretend relationship". This went pretty far astray from the original prompt.

AND [ 38\. Real](http://luvscharlie.livejournal.com/116266.html) on [](http://lions-serpents.livejournal.com/profile)[**lions_serpents**](http://lions-serpents.livejournal.com/)

 

The Slytherin Common Room was packed the evening after the return from Christmas holidays. Everyone was dressed in fine new clothes and huddled in groups. Draco was across the room with Crabbe, Goyle and several other boys, discussing all the ways that they were going to "get Potter" by the end of school term.

Pansy was with the other Sixth Year girls by the fire. She kept finding herself staring across the room in an attempt to get Draco's attention. All to no avail. He was oblivious to the weight of her stare.

Pansy had the worst friends ever. The very worst. Having Millicent Bulstrode and Daphne Greengrass as friends was even worse than being friends with Hermione Granger. Which was the worst of all horrible things.

"You know he's fucking mad about Potter. Can't stop talking about him. Totally wants to get Potter alone in a room and rip his clothes off."

"Shut it, Millie." Pansy glared and gritted her teeth.

"I won't. It's true. When are you going to open your eyes, Pansy? Draco Malfoy doesn't want you." Millicent's voice was carrying across the room, and despite the volume in the crowded room, Pansy worried that Draco would hear her friend's big, fat mouth. "He doesn't like your perky little tits or your tight little arse, and unless you have a big old cock beneath that skirt--"

"Draco's not gay," Pansy protested in a fierce whisper. "He loves me."

"First of all, he's totally gay," Daphne chimed in. "Secondly, he wants to put his tiny little willy in Potter's skinny arse. You deserve better."

"My gods! What is wrong with you two? You call yourselves my friends!?!"

"We are your friends," Daphne said. "Which is why we want you to dump that jerk you can't stop staring at and find yourself someone better. You know, like me and Blaise. I totally let him put it in my bum over break."

Pansy scoffed. "You are such a fucking liar. I know for a fact Blaise was out of the country with his mum on holiday and his cock was nowhere near your fat bum."

Daphne was unfazed by the confrontation or the discussion of her bum size. "Don't take all your sexual frustrations out on me. Take them out on your dumb, gay, Potter obsessed boyfriend."

"DRACO MALFOY IS NOT GAY!" Pansy couldn't stop herself from shouting. Funny how when that always happens, the typically loud room seems to have gone totally quiet. Everyone stared. "Well, he's not."

Draco met her eyes, scoffed and went back to talking with his friends. _Sure, now you look, you moron._ The noise level went back up as everyone else followed suit. And Pansy employed a death glare at her used-to-be friends. "I hate you both."

"As much as you hate Draco's tiny willy?" Millie asked, unflustered by Pansy's foul mood.

"His willy is not tiny," Pansy retorted.

"Oh please!" Millie snorted and slapped her knee. "Save it for someone who hasn't spent hours staring through that hole into the Quidditch locker rooms. I can tell you the exact width, circumference and length of every willy on the Slytherin team."

"You are a disgusting pig."

"A disgusting pig whose boyfriend's willy is more than adequate." Millie looked across the room and winked at Theodore Nott. In turn, Theo looked terribly uncomfortable and did his best to look anywhere but where Millicent Bulstrode was sitting.

"He is not your boyfriend," Daphne retorted.

"He is. I kiss him every night in my dreams. And that one time when he didn't have his guard up and my Make Millie Merry Mistletoe captured him and wouldn't let him go without a little smooch." Millie was smiling dreamily. "Besides, today is Fix Pansy's Life Day. Not mine."

"My life doesn't need fixing."

Millie and Daphne laughed together, obnoxiously melodic. "Oh darling," Daphne gushed, "your life needs more repairing than anyone else I know."

Pansy stomped off to bed. Draco, the dolt, didn't even bother looking up when she made her dramatic exit, making the drama totally pointless. Bastard. Drama without an audience wasn't very dramatic at all.

***

The next day, Pansy did her best to avoid her friends. Impossible. They were in all the same classes. In Potions, she couldn't even join in the fun of torturing Granger by adding things to her potion when her back was turned. Her heart simply wasn't in it. She kept stealing glances at Draco. Much to her dismay, he was watching Potter.

It wasn't that Pansy believed Draco was gay. He didn't want Potter. She was fairly certain of that. He simply didn't want her either.

"Excuse me."

Pansy jerked out of her thoughts to find Neville Longbottom standing beside her and looking down at her cauldron, which was bubbling with a menacing red liquid.

"I'm not very good at potions. Actually, I'm pretty rotten at them. But, I don't think your cauldron is supposed to be doing that bubbling thing. The recipe says it shouldn't be red either." He looked down at his own cauldron, the contents of which was a calm non-bubbling blue. "One of us is doing this wrong. It might be me. I'm usually wrong in here. I get so nervous. But I think you added four newt eyes, and it says two in the book." He gave a shake of his head. "Unless someone changed my book. They do that sometimes."

At that very moment, the contents of Pansy's cauldron began to eat their way through the cauldron's pewter bottom, then through the table and began to puddle on the floor.

"I hate when that happens," Neville said with sincerity. "Cauldrons are expensive. My Gran gets pretty angry when she has to send me another one. This is my fourth one this year. I'm having a pretty good year."

"Why are you talking to me?" Pansy hissed as Snape flicked his wand and cleaned up the mess.

"Five points from Gryffindor," Snape snarled, "for distracting Miss Parkinson, Longbottom."

Neville sighed deeply.

"I'm sorry. I know you were only trying to hel-- Holy shite! What the hell? Now I'm being nice to Gryffindors. Fucking Draco!"

"It's okay. I won't tell anyone you were nice to me. Your reputation is safe."

"Why are _you_ being nice to _me_?"

"I'm usually nice. You're just mostly being too bitchy to notice." Neville grinned at Pansy, then frowned at his cauldron when his once nice, blue potion began to turn green.

"You're stirring it the wrong way. Counter-clockwise." She had no idea why she was helping him. He'd just insulted her-- well, as good an insult as he seemed capable of-- she should be offended. Only, strangely, she wasn't.

"Oh, thanks." Neville began stirring his potion, and seemed relieved when it began to fade back into blue. "So what has Draco done now? Snakes in your hat? Probably not, Slytherins aren't afraid of snakes. Jelly Legs Jinx? Bat-bogey Hex? I hate that one. Did he hide your left shoe? Sounds silly. But only having one shoe becomes pretty inconvenient."

"You sound like you have personal experience with all of those."

"Yeah, and a few more. I mean, your boyfriend is kind of a dick."

Pansy was surprised the usually meek Neville voiced it, but she nodded. "I'm starting to agree with you. Longbottom, can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Gods, I can't even believe I'm having this conversation with a stupid Gryffindor."

Neville raised an eyebrow.

"No offence." Pansy waved off his sceptical look. "Do you think Draco's gay?"

"No. He's totally in love with Hermione."

Pansy wasn't sure what she'd expected, but it certainly was not that. She grabbed a handful of dragon scales and dumped them into Neville's cauldron. It immediately imploded, raining potion down on Snape's head.

"LONGBOTTOM!!!!"

Neville sighed. "When I finish detention, I guess I'll send Gran another owl. She's not going to be happy."

***

_That night at dinner..._

Pansy walked into the Great Hall and straight over to the Gryffindor table and sat down next to Neville Longbottom.

"Um, hello."

"I've decided to make Draco jealous."

"Okay." Neville looked at her with a confused expression. "I think we get the same food over at this table as you do at the Slytherin one. So, he probably won't be too jealous of your dinner."

Pansy shook her head. "You really are a moron, aren't you?"

"Most people think so."

"I've come over here to sit with my new boyfriend."

"Really? I know most of the Gryffindors, maybe I know him. Who is it?"

"It's you."

"Me?" Neville pointed at himself. "You think that will make him jealous?" He began to chuckle at the sheer absurdity that Draco Malfoy should ever be jealous of him.

"Well, it's like this. I'm not about to lose my arse of a boyfriend to a bint like Granger. I was willing to be accepting if it was Potter he wanted, and move on. Granger is another story. My reputation would never recover."

"Hermione's not so bad. She's actually pretty--"

"Shut it, or I'll have to break up with you!"

Neville reached for a dinner roll. "I thought I was your pretend boyfriend."

"You are. And I'll completely pretend break up with you, if you say anything like that again."

Neville took a bite and seemed to reflect. "Being a pretend boyfriend has almost as many rules as being a real boyfriend. I'm not sure I'll be very good at it." He smiled at Pansy. "I'll do my best though."

_Two weeks later... in the broom cupboard on the fourth floor..._

"Is this what pretend boyfriends usually do?" Neville asked, shoving his hand beneath Pansy's jumper. "I don't think Draco can be jealous if he doesn't know what we're doing?"

"If you don't shut up and kiss me, I really will pretend break up with you."

Neville obliged her with a long kiss that left them both panting. "Do real boyfriends get to make out with you in dark places too?"

"No. Pretend relationships have less rules. If you were really my boyfriend, you'd have to buy me flowers and stuff, and then I couldn't let you touch my boob until at least four months later. There are lots of rules."

Neville cupped Pansy's left tit. "I never want to be your real boyfriend, okay? We'll just keeping making Draco jealous by pretend making out when he doesn't know, yeah?"

"That's the smartest thing I've ever heard a Gryffindor say." Pansy grinned in the dark cupboard and pulled down Neville's zip.


End file.
